Saturday, July 26, 2014

Wrestling with God

Is it possible,
that You planned all of this,
Before I was conceived in my mother's womb?
To endure such suffering and trauma?
What for? These 7 years were dedicated in search of You.
But instead, I've experience much disappointment and heart-break.

You knew all along. And this mystery might take years for me to understand.

I won't let go of You, until You bless me.

I'm waiting. Hear my cry. Don't be silent.

Thursday, July 24, 2014

No más

Quisiera tener amnesia para olvidarte,
y esos largos años de amargura.
Quisiera que tu no existieras,
pues tu eres la antitesis del amor.
Olvidarte es una bendición.

Wednesday, July 23, 2014

Surprised by Joy

“Who can duly adore that Love which will open the high gates to a prodigal who is brought in kicking, struggling, resentful, and darting his eyes in every direction for a chance of escape? The words compelle intrare, compel them to come in, have been so abused by wicked men that we shudder at them; but, properly understood, they plumb the depth of the Divine mercy. The hardness of God is kinder than the softness of man, and His compulsion is our liberation.”

---C.S Lewis

Sunday, July 20, 2014

When God wants to thrill a man

When God wants to drill a man,
And thrill a man,
And skill a man.
When God wants to mould a man
To play the noblest part;
When He yearns with all His heart
To create so great and bold a man
That all the world shall praise –
Watch His method, watch His ways!
How He ruthlessly perfects
Whom He royally elects;
How He hammers him and hurts him,
And with mighty blows converts him
Into trial shapes of clay which only God understands
While his tortured heart is crying and he lifts beseeching hands!
How He bends, but never breaks,
When his good He undertakes. . . .
How He uses whom He chooses
And with every purpose fuses him,
By every art induces him
To try his splendor out –
God knows what He’s about.

Sunday, July 13, 2014


July has been an interesting month so far. I've made a conscious effort to spend more quality time with close friends as my days in Vancouver are approaching to an end. Their unconditional love and support has proven to be true and precious as life continues to unfold its setbacks and blessings. My days in Vancouver would have never been the same without them.

In retrospect, these past 7 years (2007-2014) have been a crazy chapter of my life. It has been a period of much loneliness and pain, but at the same time growth and beauty. But all in all, I am grateful for God's grace in my life. It is by Him and through Him that I am able to do all things.

2014 has been a tough year. My failings and challenges has plunged me into a dark valley. As human beings, we don't like failure. We tend to beat ourselves up: "If only I was stronger. If only I worked harder." But sometimes God allows certain things to happen so that we can dig deeper into our shadows and allow His light and grace to illuminate our lives. I've also experienced much healing and love after years of wrong concepts and trauma. God has taught me to fully embrace my humanity and limitations.

So what now? Life continues to change, and I can only surrender to God's timing and move forward. I will be leaving Vancouver at the end of the month and moving to Mexico. I will be serving as a teacher at a missionary school for one whole school year. I am grateful that He has provided me this opportunity since it has always been my desire to serve Him in the Spanish-speaking world. I will also be under the apprenticeship of experienced missionaries who are outreaching to the Mixtec community in Oaxaca.

I don't know what this next chapter will unfold. But I know that God will continue to hold my hand and guide me closer to His heart.

Saturday, June 7, 2014


[From last night's sharing at Church]

"One of my biggest regrets in life is that I never said 'I love you' to my dad. Upon my second year as an International student in Canada, my father passed away. I always regretted not thanking him enough or telling him how much I loved him. He was a good man. He did so much for his family. I know that in some cultures, specially in Chinese culture, people are not as expressive. They show their love through actions, but not words. But make sure you tell your parents how much you love them, because it might be your first and last time."

It's hard being away from family in a city where people don't give two-cents about your existence. I will always miss the warmth and love from home.

[Mom and dad, I will always carry you in my heart.]

Wednesday, May 28, 2014


[A free sonnet. A response to the Mastermind behind the trials and pains of life]

Who made You? Who knew You before the world began?
You are, You were and You will be
Forever God; my beloved Maker.
Such knowledge is too precious for me.
Far reaching, most glorious source of all life.
Thou hast known me, searched me, loved me.
And Thou hast poured Your grace
Overwhelmingly, fiercely towards me.

Who else could have planned
For me to uncover the furious love of God,
During the darkest hours of life?
Masterpieces of thoughts, excellent co-ordination of events,
Answered prayers, softened and thankful hearts,
Manifested in the intrinsic eternal (in)visible reality of our love.

[i stand in awe and deep surrender.]

Sunday, May 25, 2014

Why Mexico?

People keep wondering why I want to go back to Mexico.

Life in Canada is supposed to be much better, eh?

Not really.

I've been here for almost 7 years, and honestly, I have not yet found permanence of joy in this city.

Maybe it's the city. Or the unwise decision I made hanging around with the wrong group of people that made me unhappy all the time (thank God that I'm done with them!). Or maybe it's the cold dark winters.

I look around me, and all I see is people stressed out all the time. Stressed out about work. Stressed about school. They don't seem to enjoy life at all.

I don't want to be like them.

There is something about this city that drives me away.

And when I went to Mexico, it was like a dream. People were warm and delightful. The art scene inspired so much creativity and joy in me. And the food...ohh my. Don't get me started with the food.

So then, while I was lying in bed at night in Oaxaca and compared my two lives - the one in Canada and the one in Mexico, I could not believe the difference.

Yes, life in Vancouver is comfortable and predictable. It's safe. People are nice. I appreciate it. But it doesn't feel like life at least not for me. It's boring.

And Mexico has its reputation of druglords, danger and whatnot, but at the same time it's adventurous and beautiful. I want that. Yes, that's my kind of life.

I'm taking this step. I am selling all my stuff and moving to Oaxaca 1 year to serve at a Missionary school. I will then come back and finish my program, and probably move back again.

And such is life. There is nothing that ties me in Vancouver. I honestly never had the desire to stay, and now that I see that there is no point in staying here, it's time to go. It's time to move on and live life.

If you miss me, you can always come down to visit ;)

Monday, April 28, 2014

[Changes, transition stage]

Funny how God, our Father, knows about our needs before we ask.

It's really foolish to doubt on His love and rely on our self-sufficiency. After all, He is God; the great I AM. He will surely provide.

There are major changes happening in my life. This year will mark the end of a major chapter in my life. It was about time. Praise God.

I'm moving on.

I'm curious how things will turn out and how much I will change after this experience.

Let's hope for the best.

Kandom note: I have this verse tattooed on my mind
"Happy is he, who trusts in the Lord." (Proverbs 16:20)

Saturday, April 26, 2014


[At a Hipster café with one of the best people I've ever met in my life]

"Maybe you haven't got to know that part of yourself because you haven't taken the risk to do so yet. As the years pass by, you will soon realize who you are, and what you are capable of. Life is transitory in nature, and we are constantly in a flux of change. Our thoughts and priorities change. Maybe we will meet again in 10 years, and be like, 'remember how we were like back then?' Oh, and we will laugh at the stupid mistakes we made and be glad how much we've changed and matured. And that's life. Yeah, that's life."

I smile and breathe, trying to savour this moment of aliveness.